Lately I’ve been feeling as though I’m having a bit of an identity crisis, so I packed up my shit and ventured home for the weekend in an attempt to clear my head. After engaging in many long conversations with my father, I realized that there are quite a few things I’ve become lackadaisical about as of late, the most troubling of which is the grad school issue. But all this is about to change, for I have once again found my motivation - leaving this hell hole in search of a better life. (Kinda like the Pilgrims, yeah?) And the only way that will happen is if I stop thinking about what’s here right now, and focus on what will be in the future.

I will get there. Mark my words.

Though I’m not making any headway in the grad school department, I have been progressing nicely towards an end to my credit card debt. After my income tax return, I will have another card paid off, leaving me with only one and a balance of around $2,000. Pretty awesome, considering I started $5,000 in the hole on five separate credit cards. Yay me. *pats self on back*

B has left me to hang out in Cancun for the week. I expect at this moment she is sunning herself on the pristine beaches and drinking a 12-pack of Corona, whilst I am stuck here amidst inches of snow and blustery winds. Lucky bitch.

Crystal burnt popcorn earlier, and now the whole house reeks of it. </end major random announcement>

Lola (my desktop compy) died on me this weekend, so I’ve moved her downstairs to make room for Lappy McLaptop, who now occupies a relatively small space on my very large computer desk. I think that she also misses Lola as much as I do, though I can’t be sure, as she’s an inanimate object with no actual feelings to be observed.

Another three-day weekend, another large snowfall. It seems that Mother Nature feels like we should be spending our free weekends hibernating, as opposed to being out at the pubs. And guess what - the weathermens are forecasting snow for next weekend also. Thanks, Mother Nature, for ruining my January.

Also - it’s, like, 1° outside, and the wind chill is -7°. Too fucking cold, dude. For serious.

I spent most of the holiday in front of my tv watching the Top Chef marathon on Bravo, which is the worst way I could’ve spent the day, as I ended up stuffing my face like a gluttonous piggy. All that strange food they were cooking made me hungry, even though I wasn’t actually hungry. Even when they were cooking with sweetbreads and pig’s feet and cow brain, I still wanted to devour those dishes one by one. And then have Marcel for dessert. Yummy.

I seriously don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Maybe I should use up some of that vacation time soon. I need a break from that shithole. As well as some motivation to study for the GRE.

If a boy doesn’t call when he says that he will call, should you assume that he hates you?… My brain really needs to stop thinking. *headdesk*

Dramarama at work lately has left me desperately searching to find a new job. Little by little, they are robbing me of my independence, as they have once again banned me from an entire area of our department. If management had it their way, I’d be shackled to my desk and left alone with no human contact for the entire 8-hour workday. Or, perhaps, they would just turn me into a robot. That’s basically what they’re trying to do, anyway.

I need to find a job that does not involve me sitting in front of a computer every day, as I am not only developing carpal tunnel, but horrendous migraines, as well. My eyeballs are burning. For serious.

Time to start studying for the GRE again. May will be here sooner than I’d like it to, and I need to have this done and out of the way, so I can concentrate on re-learning Russian and filling out applications and the like. I’m excited about the prospect of being back in academia… but not so much about the reality of being even further in debt. Hopefully, I’ll be able to pay off the credit cards before I start school. But I guess that really depends on how long I can take working this shitty job. Vicious cycle, it is. *grumblegrumble*

I seriously need a vacation. Like, a really long one. A couple weeks, or so. Somewhere away from here. Like… I dunno… Moscow, maybe.

So EMO today, aren’t I? Must be the weather. Or my aching head. I can’t decide.

I hope this year starts off better than last year ended - due to the first snowfall of the season and the subsequent slick-as-snot roads, I spent my New Year’s Eve cooped up in the house with a bottle of champagne watching the South Park marathon. Alone. I shouldn’t complain, really, as I much prefer staying at home and preserving my life to being out on icy roads with a bunch of drunk fucks. Oh, well. New Year’s is overrated, yeah? I mean, it’s just another reason for everyone to get piss-ass drunk and do really stupid things, which is how I spend most weekends anyway.

As the new year is a time for reflection, I spent last Sunday night rereading all of my old Livejournal entries, and I can honestly say that I am in a far better place now than I was a couple years ago. I was almost amazed at the fact that I was so depressed. Like, not just every once in a while, but all the time. Every single entry made me wonder why I hadn’t killed myself already. I was so annoyingly EMO.

Speaking of emo, I’ve been feeling so insanely pre-menstrual for the past few days. Not physically, but mentally/emotionally. Y’know how it is - when every little thing bothers you and you start thinking about really stupid things and you cry for no reason and you’re highly irritable and you yell at everyone for no reason and you just want to eat cheese and chocolate all the time? Yeah. That’s me PMSing.

I’m about fed up with boys. I don’t understand them and they say things that I don’t want to hear and they never want to give me what I want, so I hate them. I think I shall cut boys out of my life as a New Year’s resolution. They just complicate things and frustrate the fuck out of me and I’m starting to think it’s all not worth it.

My other resolutions are quite cliche. Y’know, the “quitting smoking and losing weight” thing. Quitting smoking is gonna suck (it’s been - *looks at watch* - 10hrs and 43mins since I’ve had a cigarette, but I’m alright… really… though, I’d like to have one right now… but I know I can’t, so I won’t… but… I can’t), but I’ve done it before so I know I can do it. Losing weight shouldn’t be too bad, either, as we recently purchased a treadmill for the house, so I don’t have to pay for a gym membership. I’ve also resolved to finally take the feckin’ GRE, so that will be done by May of this year. Hopefully, I’ll find the time to study and work out everyday. I’ll probably have to do both simultaneously, though I’m horrible at multi-tasking.

I also need a new layout for this shit. I’ll have to work on that, too. *adds to the list*

10:30am seems way too early to be drinking beer and watching football, but Nebraska is playing in the Cotton Bowl this morning, so I find myself in front of the tv with a glass of alcohol and a pounding headache. I have too much to do today to be watching football, really. The Christmas tree needs to come down and the driveway needs to be shovelled and I need to vacuum and dust… though, I have tomorrow off of work (thanks, Gerald R. Ford - you were a good man), so I suppose it can be done then. I’m so indecisive lazy right now. I just can’t be buggered. *big sigh*

I need a cigarette.