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I have been asked to submit a newsletter to you all detailing my activities since the New Year's show, a sort of mini-history if you will, to sate your seemingly endless appetites for all things "AJ Stumpy Johnson". I regret to inform you that I cannot in good conscience do this. You are undoubtedly asking yourselves "Why??” and quite simply the answer is that it would be a lie. It would be a lie as so much of the entire 2 Skinnee J's phenomenon has been a lie, and I feel the need to clear the air right here and now and let you see clearly through this web of deception.... 1. AJ Stumpy Johnson is a wealthy gas station mogul specializing in "last stop" stations in the American Southwest - FALSE. The truth is I also own 4 gas stations in North Dakota and one of them is actually the NEXT to last gas before the Canadian border. 2. 2 Skinnee J's are all 19 years old and Stumpy is 66 - FALSE. The J's are not 19 years old as I have stated in the past. Chronologically they are 38, but their metabolism has been slowed down to a near halt for almost twenty years making them appear 19. I am currently appearing 26 and can't recall my true age. My permanent baldness is an unfortunate side effect of my patented "Virility of Champions" regimen which is available for purchase for only $69.99 on www.Stumpy.com. 3. I own an acting school and actually am an accomplished acting instructor - TRUE. I AM the proud owner and head instructor of the AJ Stumpy Johnson School of Acting in Palos Verdes, California and did invent the famous "Bird of Prey" advanced acting exercises employed by such superstars as John Saxon, Michael Ironside and DeForest Kelly. 4. AJ Stumpy Johnson is impotent - FALSE! Special J is my son and proof positive of my fertility. 5. Stumpy is immune to the pleasures of the flesh - FALSE! I am currently single but at different times have had romantic links (and enjoyed the art of Physical Love) with Jamie Summers (the Bionic Woman), Olivia Newton John, Madonna and Angela Lansbury. 6. I have had a hand in saving the world not once, but 14 times - TRUE. The most recent and well-known is my staging of the pay-per-view event of the decade, the Rumble Under the Rainbow featuring Dolphins vs. Unicorns in a battle to save us all, but the one I am most proud of is my thwarting of a plan in 1977 to kidnap me and strap me to a doomsday device designed to focus my considerable power and turn it into a laser beam which was to be fired at Moscow, forcing them to respond with a nuclear counter-strike on the United States. 7. The 2 Skinnee J's are gay - FALSE! The 2 Skinnee J's are gay like a fox. 8. I am 100% ladies man - TRUE. If you don't believe me, ask your sister. 9. The stage creates the illusion that I am taller than I actually am - FALSE! I appear taller onstage because I literally grow 6 1/2 inches when I am up there. Offstage I am 5'6. 10. My name is a killing word - TRUE! Also, Lance's name is to be sung to the tune of "Flash" and Eddie Eyeball's name is sung to the tune of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". All other J's names are just spoken and are regular words. In my case, the safest thing to do is neither sing nor speak my name but consider it thoughtfully, bake it in the form of gingerbread cookies and then eat it. That's all I'm prepared to divulge right now. Perhaps in a short time you will be sufficiently prepared to handle the rest. By the way, The Rumble Under the Rainbow is available on DVD and VHS at www.dolphinsvsunicorns.com for only $49.99 and $39.99 respectively. It makes a great gift and is a great for the kids, too! Until next time, remember Stumpy loves you....
And now, a Skinnee update... Squeezetoy releases new CD “Contact” produced by Eddie Eyeball & Stephen Summers Light (a/k/a Stevie Spice). Hello my Skinnee Friends, Immediately after the 7/18 Farewell Show, Stevie Spice & I drove down to North Carolina with our mobile digital recording studio to begin recording songs for Squeezetoy’s new CD “Contact”, thus making our leap from flat-broke musicians to flat-broke music producers. Squeezetoy, as many of you Skinnee fans may already know, is the Raleigh, NC rock band that opened many J’s shows in the south. Well, the CD is out and we’d love to hear what you think about it. Except for the drum session, which was done at a “real” studio in Charlotte, all the other tracks were recorded on top of a mountain, literally. We set up Skylab (the J’s mobile digital recording studio responsible for “Sexy Karate”) at their manager’s mountain house – in the living room, actually, overlooking the Appalachian Mountains – stocked up on steaks and Cokes, and emerged seven days later with the completed tracks which, I must say, sound amazing. We had fun recording the music but we also had a blast riding the ATV up trails, shooting off guns with the crazy mountain kids, seeing Air Force jets thunder right over the house and – my favorite – watching the Milky Way come out each night. No city distractions here, just a fogload of bugs flying around the porch lights at night. You can purchase “Contact” and find out more about Squeezetoy through their website www.squeezetoymusic.com. Thanks and take care,
“Contact” – Squeezetoy
There is no attachment in this episode of the skinnee diaries... |